Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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