also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
