Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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