just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
