I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
