meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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