i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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