White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
