Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
