The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
two words: eviction party
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
