Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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