i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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