You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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