it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
