there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize