you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
