Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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