u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
