If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
