his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize