Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dear god my vagina.
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