She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
