I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
