oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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