I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
