oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
