When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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