I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
did i walk over a car last night?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
