I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
