she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
