I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
