We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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