so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
