Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
