My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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