my mouth tastes like poor choices
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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