There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
