guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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