i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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