Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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