I am puke
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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