Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
