I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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