end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
