I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
