So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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