Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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