And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
