You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize