I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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