Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
