ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
