I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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