I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
