you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
