I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
