hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
