dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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