it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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