i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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