dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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